Legendary Andy Duncan, swinger of this mighty boom

No lightweight this man of stature, his stomach fills any room

Standing there in all his glory, never think that he’s a dork

Not a quiet man our Andy, how the bugger loves to talk

Talking talking Andy Duncan, collecting money every week

Says he buys the Lottery Tickets, me I think his story’s weak

Saving for his own retirement, South America I guess

Does he buy the Lottery Tickets? I don’t think the answer is yes.

Charming charming Andy Duncan, says he sings with some old group

What a line to lure the ladies, just how low can Andy stoop?

Said his geriatric pop group would front up to trill us all

At the famous break up party such a liar with so much gall.

Breakfast time and Andy’s talking pills and tablets by the score

Says they keep him nice  and healthy as he takes a couple more

Next he scoffs a mighty breakfast, gobbles it so he’s not late

Turn to me and tries to tell me, seriously he’s losing weight

Loves his fruit juice and his vegies, cereal and also grains

I delight in telling Andy all he’s losing are his brains.

Rolling like a living barrel, to the set to start the shoot

Poor old Andy’s lost the plot, he only does it for the loot

Stuffing money in his mattress wealthy Andy doesn’t spend

Never buys the crew a beer doesn’t borrow doesn’t lend.

Saving up to join the cult that is known as Heavens Gate

Andy’s off to join the aliens personally I cannot wait

As he boards the flying saucer he’ll be talking you can bet

Those poor aliens will wonder what the hell it is they’ve just met

Maybe on a distant planet there are people just like he

Compulsive talkers that collect for some fictitious lottery.

Now that I have slagged him off let me try to make amends

Andy really isn’t so bad tells me he has lots of friends

Funny though I’ve never met one though I say with my next breath

Andy may have lots of friends but I’ll lay odds that they are deaf.

Happy happy Andy Duncan full of pills and very jolly

Talking, chatting, never thinking to help Don to push the trolley

Always shoving in the mike trying to get sound that’s clean

Puts it in the shot again he’ll need vaseline

He’ll have to grease the microphone so that it will easily pass

His fundamental orifice when I shove it up ass.

Silly silly Andy Duncan said immortilise me in verse

Didn’t really think I’d do it but I have and what is worse

He will read these words and laugh think I’ve finished slagging him

But he’ll come to work tomorrow and I will begin again..........

by Keith Bryant - April 1997